May marks its third year and final month for my office location on Fordem Avenue. This past March I was in the middle of writing a blog post about ego development promoting my Toltec Wisdom Circle (starting this weekend) when I got the letter from my landlord explaining the new plans for the building. I gasped, only to feel a rush of excitement soon follow. The idea of moving my office had been with me for well over a year, but I had never committed myself to it.
Finding my new space was relatively smooth and easy. Just as I signed the lease for my new office on Atwood Avenue, I received an email from my other landlord: she wanted to move back into my apartment. And of course she did. It's an amazing place, in a fabulous location, surrounded by great people. But, that was the gut punch! I've lived here for half a decade and have cultivated relationships with the land and neighbors. I couldn't imagine breaking the news to my kiddo who sees them as extended family.
Now, I needed to sit down. Take a breath or two or five. I needed a good cry. I couldn't focus on marketing my class. I sat on my back deck and resisted the urge to whip the mindfulness jar across the lawn. Instead, I swirled it, got still, and asked myself, "What is being asked of me in all of this happening right now?" The message came in clear: Get bigger, Rainbow.
"Getting bigger" is necessary if we want to evolve. Getting bigger is how we grow, it's the nature of everything wild and free. As humans we do so much to protect ourselves from the uncomfortable state of change. Our egos wrap their arms around everything in our lives, even the crappy bits, and refuse to let in anything contradictory or unfamiliar. What lies on the other side though is everything we deny ourselves by believing, "I can't do that" or "I don't deserve that." So really, what's in our comfort zones is our limited thinking. Getting bigger requires us to step off the cliff into the unknown, to say, "Yes!" when we want to run and hide.
Have you ever noticed how the disempowering conversation lives right next door to the empowering one? I know it's true for me. Life hands me things: opportunities, challenges...I get to choose. If I don't consciously direct my attention, my ego will spin anything into the negative. In therapy we refer to that as the thought problem of Negative Thinking. In Toltec, we call it Disaster Mind! I like to imagine that while my ego is having a fit in the house of disempowering conversations, my spirit or higher self comes to the window with a flashlight and engages her in a silly game.
It is not lost on me that just as I am about to start a group based on transformation, life would hand me The Transformation Card. Of course it would! Walking in integrity means I live what I teach. Being able to hold myself through major life transitions is exactly what I need to be able to hold space for a powerful group people committed to their own transformation.
One of the big jokes of this human journey is how we are taught to believe we are our egos. It leaves us dissatisfied and forever chasing what we will never find: comfort, stability, assurance. We're better off embracing change by feeling our feelings, guiding our ego and allowing our comfort zones to expand. So, as I prepare to move in to my beautiful new office in one of my favorite neighborhoods, I'm also now house hunting - because I don't choose to live anymore in the disempowering conversation that I can't buy a house on my own. I will leave you with the sweet chant we sometimes sing during our Toltec Dreaming Ceremony. Melissa Phillippe sings, "As I say a tender yes to everything that comes to me, my heart is open and I am free. I open to all that is, it brings me to my knees. I surrender, I am free." Living free in surrender is a brave path to walk and I invite you to join me. If you're interested in joining our Toltec group, there's still time. Just say, "Yes!"
Rainbow A. Marifrog